Remembering a Friend

So I found out some pretty horrible news this morning. I woke up and was checking my phone before I even got out of bed, just laying there flipping through the Facebook posts. Then I see one from one of my closest friends about a mutual friend and former classmate has passed away. As soon as I saw that I bolted up in bed. I kept thinking, is this real, is this some cruel joke? I go to her page and find her cousin has posted about her passing it being related to cancer. Still I think, this can’t be real! Cancer? I go to her mom and aunt’s page as well and see a few other friends saying the same thing. She had liver cancer, she only found out last week. I don’t get it. But then I never get it when someone gets cancer. Maybe I’m not meant to cause there really is no rhyme or reason to it as far as who it strikes and why. Anyway I wanted to get on here and share my thoughts about why this bothers me so much.

I met Becky my freshmen year of high school, I guess it was just the group we all hung out with. She was a year above me and was pretty nice. I had some crappy stuff happen at the end of my freshmen year with someone who was meant to be my friend and got all these people to dislike me over something silly in the end. She was one of those people who stood by me and I feel like we hardly knew each other at that point so it meant a lot. I remember rescuing a black kitten and her adopting it, I remember her calling me up once out of the blue like a year or two after high school, she needed a ride to work and I gladly gave it to her though we didn’t start talking up again.  I remember playing some dumb joke on another person who I wasn’t really friends with at the time, this was definitely back in high school, we went to the mall and I was getting annoyed with that person so we snuck out of the store and went around the mall without them and then found them later. These same two people after high school I hung out with. I remember hearing about Becky getting pregnant and then finding out something happened but she was pregnant again like a year after that. We met up with her and caught up on things and I was happy for her to be able to have someone she loved and be having a child. I hung out with her a bit after that. I went to her wedding reception and caught her bouquet. I later didn’t get to see her as much due to other friendships falling by the wayside and they were people I usually saw her with. And I remember being angry at the time because these two friendships while quite different were similar in their ending, I did have other people to talk to but she knew these people and I wanted to warn her about one of them. It was dumb really in the end, I just wanted to talk badly about that person I guess. I remember wanting to warn everyone about her and then realising that people get to make their own decisions about others and just cause they stay friends doesn’t mean they don’t like me. But I remember telling Becky about this girl and Becky then told her about what I said. I found out because then this girl decided to let me know and remind me how cruel she could be and why I ended the friendship. I guess I felt betrayed even though I was in the wrong for stooping to such a level. But I know it did make it hard for me to trust her. We would talk online occasionally after that but our friendship changed. It became more of a Facebook kind of friendship, an I used to go to school with that girl kind of friendship. Not the way I should have left things either. I did miss her as I’ve missed other friends over the years. I can at least say I know better than to leave things like that now. I’ve had other friends I’ve reconciled with after spats and others that I’ve just apologised to but not continued to talk due to either one or both of us just not choosing to continue the friendship. I think that’s probably a big thing in life, not letting the little things keep you apart from those that you were once close with. I have regrets with Becky and while I can’t make it up to her in person, I can at least try to do better with others. I feel so sorry for her family for losing her so young in life. I wonder how her daughter will do, I honestly can’t even remember how old she is now its been so long. All I know is, she’s not suffering anymore and she’s with her son now.

Since it’s an ongoing thing with me anyway, I know I can work on my anger and my negative feelings I get towards others. There’s no point in life in not letting things go over time because it can eat you up inside and I don’t want to keep thinking, if I only I had done this or stopped doing this then we would still be talking. There really is meaning behind the word forgive. So any time I harbor ill feelings towards another, I need to remember where those feelings will get me and that is no where.

So Becky I just wanted to say that I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend to you. And I’m sorry you are no longer with us but I am at least happy in the belief that you are in a better place and that you know how I feel.

Getting There…

So It’s been about two weeks since I posted anything. It was a bit busy around here with Christmas and New Years and just enjoying the holidays. I came down with a cold the evening of New Years Day so I’ve been busy battling that but I think I’m at the tipping point of getting better. I had my registration appointment for the doctors today and it went well except for the fact I did not get my prescription for more acid reflux meds cause it was a nurse doing my registration and only 4 nurses can give prescriptions and she was not one of them. I did find out that I can find some meds OTC but the one I found was only 10mg and not as cheap as it would be to get a prescription. But it will do for now until I can get an appointment for a prescription. Mike and me have started on being healthier in the new year. So far my exercise has not been good. I need to make myself get out more but its hard to do when I have nowhere to be and am still struggling with feeling comfortable going anywhere. But I’ll be making myself do that more even if its to go to town and visit the library a few times a week. So that is the plan for tomorrow to go about in town. So for now I’m just chilling out and then making some dinner for when Mike gets back from work. Nothing terribly existing for today but I do find it interesting the difference with the doctors. I do find it a bit harder to get what I need when I want it but they just have a different system for going about things. Hopefully I’ll have more things to share later or at least have the enthusiasm to share but I guess I am just tired today.


Hello Ladies and Gents!


I just thought I’d say if any of you are wondering where I am. I have two other blogs!

One is my wedding blog

The other is my new blog since my old one was only meant to be for when I was in the UK, I’m state side now and have been for a few months. There isn’t many updates but there are a few. I’ve been trying to update when there is something to talk about.

Guy Fawkes Day

Last week was rough. I’ve been going through a lot lately and been having trouble communicating with people so when I do it comes off wrong or I just end up losing it. I’ve been quite emotionally and I think it’s because of me not knowing if I’m leaving soon or not. There are a few other things but mostly it’s the question of when am I leaving?

I found out my grade for my dissertation finally. I’m happy to say that I passed though not with flying colors. At least I’m done, at least I can say I now have a masters, but until I pick up my dissertation up it’s going to be bugging me about why I got the grade that I did. I can say now that my supervisor was quite hard on me for a lot of things. I do wonder if the English was not up to par but then I would think that shouldn’t account for such a large part of the grade. I don’t know really since I really thought I was doing what he wanted. I know he had to nit pick a lot since he couldn’t find a lot he had issues with but I don’t know.

Anyway it’s Guy Fawkes Day and I wanted to share a little something with ya.


“Remember remember the fifth of November

Gunpowder treason and plot.

I see no reason why gunpowder, treason

Should ever be forgot…”


I’m more than sure I probably shared this last year and with V for Vendetta having come out there’s not many who don’t know what it is that I’m talking about.

However there might be a few. So Guy Fawkes was with a group of men in the early 1600s who were conspiring to blow up Parliament but was caught while he was guarding the explosives. The group was called the Gunpower Plot. I don’t think he was the only one that was caught but I can’t remember. However we were discussing the other night that one thing was for certain, we couldn’t want to die the way he did. Hung, drawn and quarter is not a nice way to go, but he pissed off the King and had to be made an example of I guess.

There are many that might say that we need a Guy Fawkes now with the way the government is going. We definitely need something.

Anyhow it might not be known in America that on the 5th of November bonfires are made all over the place in celebration of the failure of the plot. Fireworks are allowed to be shot off and if you don’t go to a large bonfire, many people just have one of their own. We tried it this year but the fire didn’t last long and we just ate inside until we shot off fireworks. Though I wonder if many have the bonfires in memory of Guy Fawkes since he’s not really considered a villan now. Just food for thought.

©Lisa Helker

Check it Out!

So I created a wedding website on here for the wedding. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me before to do this on here. So if you care to follow it or check it out, it’s

Mike and I may have got the wedding venue. I think I mention it in the post before. But in order to secure the date we want (which is not exactly set) we need to pay half the deposit first. But that’s in the works. Anyway I thought I’d share the new secondary blog.


Crazy Cat Lady

So I’m taking a mini break from my lit review writing to talk about something I found the other day. Most evenings and weekends I like to relax by watching tv or playing around on the internet. One of my favorite sites that I visit weekly (used be daily when I first joined) is Pinterest. I really like it cause I get all kinds of cool idea for food recipes, one day home decors and all kinds of DIY stuff as well as ideas for my wedding that I never knew I had. :p I also like to look at photography photos and animals. My favorite is generally one of cats (of course). One day last week I was on there and was looking at the animal/pets section. And there was this adorable little photo of a kitten. The caption kind of hinted that it was rescued. So I clicked on the photo and it took me this website called Love Meow. It’s a website that is for cat lovers and has all these amazing stories of cats that are rescued, fostered or about shelters out there dedicated to trying to help cats. The story I was interested in was about a Kitten in Alberta. Apparently it was found in a dumpster with its siblings but was the only one still alive. He was lucky to be found because according to the vet he was “mere moments from death”. The kitty is now 9 months old and very healthy. There are many stories on there like that and it just makes me happy to see so many people out there helping and caring for poor cats like that. One story had me so completely moved that I found his Facebook page and I get updates on the little cutie all the time. Anakin is a kitten that was born in April and is a very special cat for one reason. He was born without a pelvis or hind legs. He was found by his owner/rescuer with a group of feral cats by the owner’s father’s job. They managed to catch him and bring him to a vet to see what was going on. He can actually walk too, I’ve seen videos and it is amazing and adorable at the same time. I showed my fiance the page of photos and pictures and explained the story to him and his immediate response was “I want him! He’s so cute!” Hurt or helpless animals tend to pull his heartstrings just as much as mine. But Anakin seems to be doing great and I love seeing the photos of the little guy. The Facebook page is and I found him and many others on

I thought I share such a lovely story about these cats and spread the word for those in need. I can’t have any cats at the moment (beyond my future in-laws’ Mogs and Minnie) but it doesn’t stop me from spreading the word to others looking to adopt. Plus I have to share my crazy cat obsession with the world. 🙂


Anakin the Two Legged Miracle. He can be found on facebook at

My IUS Experience Day One

Oh what it is to be a woman sometimes.

I’ve been to the doctor today. Nothing serious is wrong with me but I’ve been wanting to change the birth control I’m on. I’m not going to get into the details of why but the current pill I’m on was not working for me in many ways after being on for like 6 months. Unfortunately the nurse I saw about 3 appointments ago couldn’t put me on the combined pill again. It has to do with my BMI which I’m currently working on. Though this past weekend was a bad weekend for staying on track. I’m back on the wagon again. Anyway the nurse gave me some other options to consider. First there was the Implant in the arm which I would have for 3 years. I know I have a cousin that is using that currently but she got it for a trial thing so I don’t know if it’s actually available in the states. But since it was a trial and she has no health insurance she got it for free. Then there was two other options which were a IUD and an IUS. The difference being the IUS releases a bit of hormones and the IUD does not but they’re the same T shaped thing. They both last 5 years. When I was back in the states I had heard of them there but I was under the impression that you needed to be in a serious relationship for it for like 2 years and/or have had at least 1 kid. That might have been way back when it first came out and may have been based on a certain insurance company. I don’t know either way, I very well could be wrong but I was under the impression I couldn’t get one because I hadn’t been in a relationship (at the time at least) and definitely have never had a kid. So back to now when I’ve been told I can have it and don’t have to pay for it. That pretty much solves my worries over what I’m gonna do about birth control when I go back home since I won’t be covered on my parents health insurance anymore and as of yet don’t have any kind of job coming up that will.

So last week I went in and talked with someone and she basically talked it over with me in a bit more detail and got some information from me. And then we made my appointment. When she told me today was available I of course jumped at it because I seriously am sick of this stuff I’m on. On to today when I arrive for my appointment. I don’t know why but I almost always am nervous when I come to the doctor. I don’t think I was back home but I had been seeing that doctor since I was a kid and had a way of getting around. This place is about a 10-15 minute walk from where I live depending on if I have the energy to get up this massive hill. Today I kind of did. But I like I said I’m nervous when I go in because I don’t know who is waiting on me and when I’ll be called, a few times I’ve been early so they saw me early and other times I’ve had to wait a long time. I was booked for a half hour appointment and when I was called I actually had 3 people there for me. One was a nurse, one was the person performing the procedure and was a guest doctor of some kind. I think she came in only to do that and then a third woman who I think was also a doctor and was there to assist. So I was told the risks and talked about how it would go. It went alright though it seemed like it went for a lot longer than I expected. I’ve had exams down there and this was not as quick as I thought it would be. They had to apply a few things to let them take effect like a cleanser and some kind of numbing gel. Though it sure didn’t seem like it numbed it that much. The nurse basically talked to me to keep me from focusing on what was going on and I guess to keep me calm. But damn did I get some major cramps! I actually had to do some breathing exercising from a Pilates video I recently watched and basically lost all concentration on what I was saying to the nurse. They were really nice though. I did get to a point where I wanted to just get up but I couldn’t and wondered why they hadn’t put the damn thing in already. I got an IUS by the way. It seemed to be the best choice for me out of the three. But after the whole thing was finally done with. I got to lay there and relax a bit while the cramping died down. I was also told to take it easy and don’t move real quick or fast. I realized what they meant with the cramping coming back if I moved too fast. So I walked home with legs feeling like jelly, don’t know if that was from the walk up the hill or just the whole thing that went down. But I seriously wanted to die when I got home. The cramps were so bad and I basically had to lay on my back perfectly still until they subsided a little. I seem to be okay now though the right side is kind of sore and giving trouble every once in a while. I’m thinking the right ovary is like “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?” While the left has seem to accept it has a wall up. Either way I feel loads better than I did this morning. Ice cream helped as well as laying in bed watching movies. I’ll probably be taking more painkillers until I go to bed today but right now I think I’ll make myself a late lunch and see about working on one of my papers like I was wanting to.

Oh and if I was too graphic in my explanation of what happened. Try having it done to you! There was plenty I left out. I can say now though that if this was that painful, I’d hate to see what I do in childbirth. I really wanted to be knocked out or sick from how bad it felt. It didn’t last long though. And it’s good for 5 years so it was worth it. I hope. lol I go see the doctor again in about 6 weeks to make sure all is well.

Oops I forgot a title…

Well another week has gone by for me with school.

I finally heard something about the new class I was trying to change to. I’m signed up for it and already trying to figure out what to do. I’m thankfully not behind because they just decided this week to do it. It’s also a distant learning class so I only have like 2 days next month that I need to go in and beyond that it’s all self-study. Yay! Pretty much a similar schedule to last semester though now I have my dissertation to worry about. I think I’m pretty much on schedule with things though. I do need to get a general idea about what I’m writing about for 3 classes, and then figure out a presentation for my dissertation and a group presentation (which I am loathing the idea of. I prefer to work by myself because past experience has told me I can’t rely on others for help. And I get total control over what I’m doing.)

Anyway a few things to talk about. A weird encounter with a new classmate from last week. Today’s rejection of being on a bone marrow donation list and an update on my cold. Yeah the cold thing is so exciting…but now I feel I must share.

So first with last Thursday. It was the class I’m having a group presentation in and it was near the end of class. We were finishing up meeting with our group and talking over stuff. When a classmate came up to me asking me some stuff. A few weeks ago he had come into another class late and then later that week asked me where a class was. I figured he was a January starter so I told him what the thing meant by G and where to find the room. I also told him where the next class would be and that I would be in that one. I was there once so I sympathized and it was obvious he wasn’t from England. Last week he started asking me more questions about stuff that really wasn’t for me to answer. I told him he would have to check online or check with his course leader. He then started asking me a few questions about myself. I was used to it because it’s not common to have an American in the UK for grad school at least in Leeds that is. I had given him my email cause he asked for it, I honestly can’t remember the reason why but now I regret that I did. So as we were walking out of the room (we ended up being the last ones, don’t know how that happened). He started saying we could study together and that he was singled and lived alone so it would be okay. And asked if I go out a lot during the week. I then realized, oh crap he likes me! So I immediately and nonchalantly informed him that I don’t go out much during the week and I spend most weekends with MY BOYFRIEND. And he was like oh, this is okay, we can still do work or something like that. By that point I had stopped listening and was just thinking how fast can I get away. Of course he followed me and then started saying he drove and had a full license and could give me a ride home. I declined and said I pay for a bus pass. He tried to ask me where I lived too and I gave him a general area. He had no idea where that was PHEW! It then got to the point where I was wondering if he was gonna follow me to the bus stop and I said, Where are you parked, I just want to make sure you’re not going out of your way, and he informed he was going to the library. We then parted ways and I tried to legged it to the bus stop. It was kind of pointless because I had already missed my bus but I was honestly creeped out. His obvious way of saying he was single and asking me personal questions was one thing but for him to offer me a ride when I don’t know a thing about it really bothered me. I told Mike about it immediately and he said he was probably just trying to be nice which I understand but I being where I’m from. You don’t accept rides from strangers (honestly I think that the standard all over but maybe he didn’t understand that.) and I didn’t like all the personal questions after a while. I’ve been taught from a young age that you need to be careful and prevent any kind harm to yourself and it has probably made me a bit paranoid especially around strange men I don’t know. But I’d rather be safe than sorry. Anyway since that incident, I’ve seen him twice. Earlier this week he was in another class and we had to be in a group together. I made as little eye contact as possible and barely talked to him. He kept asking questions about where we were in the discussion. I was starting to realize he barely speaks English or understands it from others and is probably struggling but that isn’t for me to deal with. Today I didn’t have to worry about being too close to him and pretty much booked it out there asap. I was eager to get home too because I had been at school all day and I really didn’t want to miss the bus this time. There’s a half hour wait for the bus I get and it’s been pretty nippy lately. This reminds me though, I have a third story to tell!

Yesterday I didn’t have any classes and I did my laundry the night before because the laundry room/common room was closed because of the accommodation staff doing some kind of training. So I went grocery shopping. I’m trying to be a bit better with my money so I went down to the local market where they have all kinds of stalls and stuff is usually cheaper. I got some stuff and decided what else I needed I would get at the supermarket because they have a bigger selection. Well I stupidly thought that the bus I took to the market wouldn’t be that long to take me back around to my place so I didn’t bother getting on the other side of the road to get the right bus (actually I did but I didn’t find my bus on any of the closest stops so I gave up because the bags were heavy). I ended up being on the bus for over an hour and a half. I luckily had a week’s metro pass so it wasn’t an issue for me to be on the bus that long. But I had school work to do and the bus driver noticed at one point and asked me if I knew where I was going. I did but I didn’t know where I was at the time. He was so nice though, I actually feel for the bus drivers now because of the fact they need to be on top of it to make sure people are paying the right price for their ticket and not lying. And for those parents that don’t know how to be a parent. Near the end of my journey, a woman got on the bus with a pram and 2 other children. I think she was trying save herself some money and was vague about the kid’s age in the pram. It’s free if they’re under 3 years old if I understand correctly. She then parked the pram, sat next to me and let the other two kids sit on the other side. They didn’t stay there though. They kept moving around and she wasn’t paying attention to them and one of them opened the emergency door in the back because she was too busy looking through her bag for something. The bus driver got maaaad! He stopped the bus and got out of his seat and then told her she needed to keep an eye on her children for their health and safety because if the one that had opened the door had fallen out he would have been dead. He secured the door and got back in his seat when she suddenly decided to seat in the 3 open seats on the other side of the bus (the kid in the pram was fast asleep and secured) and make the kids sit where she would see them and not let them get out of their seats for 2 seconds. Honestly was that so hard to do? I’m sure they’re a handful because they definitely seemed like it but she was lucky nothing bad happened. Thankfully I got home okay and the bus driver made a joke saying I had been on the bus as long as he had been when I finally got off.

I think first I’ll talk about the bone marrow thing from today. Since moving to this country I have discovered a few things. Smoking is banned here. Driving is the exact opposite to where I’m from and roundabouts are common but they still scare me from driving here. Certain things are spelled differently or have different words used, like eggplant is aubergine and corn starch is corn flour. And overweight people are reminded it’s not okay to be overweight by the NHS. WTF? Now back home the whole body image thing was an issue because of the American societies warped image of what a woman should look like. I’ve been battling a weight problem since I was young and over the last several years I’ve come to accept who I am. I’m overweight, I’d like to be a bit thinner but I’m not gonna kill myself doing it and I don’t want to be stick thin. I just want to be happy and to be honest I am. I have my down days at times and everyone does. I basically choose not to listen to hateful people talk about how I need to lose weight and do this or that. I know what I need to do in fact I’ve done it many times. I don’t eat a lot, I try to eat healthy, I like sweets though and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with eating something enjoyable sometimes that isn’t “good for me”. I didn’t exercise as much when I was at home because to get anywhere I used my car. Here I pretty much have to walk. The only times I don’t walk is when the weather is bad, it’s too dark out for my liking, I’m running late for meeting my boyfriend or a class and I’m just tired or I have a ton of bags from shopping. Even when I take the bus, the majority of the time it doesn’t take it directly to where I need to go so I am walking a lot. But since coming here it seems like I’ve been made to feel bad about my BMI not being where it “should” be. I’m on a birth control that doesn’t have estrogen in it because apparently it’s bad for overweight women. I’ve been told my acid reflux that is because of my weight. Now I know that is one of the many causes of acid reflux but not the only. Like I said before I’ve been overweight since I was young, the majority of my existence basically. I didn’t get acid reflux disease until I started at a 4 year university because my stress level went way up I was in my 20s by then. That is a cause of acid reflux, stress. I don’t handle stress well either and it really hasn’t gone down since I’ve been here so I don’t think my weight is to blame completely. Do I think if I lose weight it will help and maybe make it go away. Of course I do but it is so hard to lose weight right now. I can’t afford a gym membership and the one I had briefly last year didn’t help me and the trainer I worked with made me feel like shit so I didn’t want to do business there anymore. I like having an exercise buddy too which is hard to come by. I was on the Atkins’ Diet back when I was 19 or 20. I lost 40 pounds, it was great but then I hit a plateau and couldn’t lose any more after that. I was living with some other girls at the time too so I didn’t have access to the junk food I would get at home because we couldn’t afford it. I never got to the point where I was supposed to maintain my weight and I had so many people saying, you’ve done a good job, treat yourself a little. Then I made friends with someone who only seemed to care about when she was gonna eat, plus I moved back home because it wasn’t working out for me living with 4 other girls in an expensive rented house for many reasons. So for many reasons and my lack of self-control I gained it back and then some. The thing that bugs me though, looking back I didn’t realize how good I looked, how different I looked and felt. You only notice the bad. And then I think it got around that Atkins’ Diet wasn’t that good for you (I didn’t eat a huge amount of meat like some people thought that meant) and I couldn’t be bothered to take the South Beach Diet seriously.

So here I am today hoping to help out a group of people at my school today asking if I would like to sign up to be a bone marrow donor. I used to donate blood years ago but my iron level dropped too low to be able to donate so many times I just gave up. Apparently the low iron thing wasn’t an issue so I filled out the form and went into a room with one of the guys while he looked over my application. He noticed a few things like I didn’t have a home number, I only have a mobile number and I told him my address is a student accommodation and I’ll only be there until September (or maybe it’s August, one of the two). He left the room to ask about it and then come back and tells me while he holds a form that because of my BMI I can’t donate. My freaking weight was what stopped me from being able to donate. Not my low iron, not my address or lack of a second permanent address, my weight. Frankly I’m sick of it. It’s one thing for my grandma to ask me when I’m a little girl, who is struggling with being bullied at school because of my weight, “Don’t I want to be pretty?” to now being told I can’t do this and that because I’m fat and that makes me unhealthy and untouchable. I’ll probably be told I’ll die young if I don’t lose weight like two people from here have been told and they weigh less than me or around the same as me. It is so stupid and degrading. It’s like the banned smoking over here now let’s work on getting rid of the fat people!

I know I’m a sensitive person and part of that stems from my personally type and to how I was treated as a child. But I don’t think the NHS really thinks about how they make overweight people feel when they do this kind of stuff. Maybe they’re not to blame and maybe the got a good reason for it but damn, talk about making a person feel depressed. I was in a good mood today! And that just deflated me. I don’t know exactly how to make myself feel better when I’m being made to feel bad about myself by the government.

Beyond all that. I did feel a bit better today after that because I found some books today that might help with my dissertation and look like interesting reads. I got a family that loves me and knows better than to talk about my weight (haha but true, I go nuts if it’s even a suggestion about it is said), a boyfriend that loves me no matter what and good friends who care about what’s inside me than what’s outside. I’m sure the bone marrow thing had a reason for it but it would have been nice to know what it was besides my BMI being too high. Tomorrow I got a doctor’s appointment. My cold is now done with though I got an ongoing issue I want to address that’s cause of the cold and get some more acid reflux pills too. And maybe get that doctor’s referral thing done with so we can decide if I still stay on meds for acid reflux or if it’s something more. Anyway, best make my dinner now. It’s getting late.

Tata for now.