In Loving Memory…

So its been a few weeks since I felt I could get on here and share this. But at the beginning of the month my beautiful cat Indy passed away. My mom immediately emailed me to let me know what happened and I think they were baffled as she was one minute sleeping and then the next minute gone. I know she was having issues with blood in her urine and from what the vet told me when it first happened was crystallisation in her kidneys which told me either her kidneys were shutting down slowly or there was some kind of issue like cancer or kidney disease that we did not know. I knew it was coming but I don’t think I expected it so soon after I left and for it to be abrupt. I thought maybe she’d go to the vet and they’d announce she had something that required her to be put to sleep as she was too old to fight it. And since I wasn’t there I have no idea if she had any symptoms like Missy did when she went through Kidney Disease. All I know is I hope she wasn’t in pain and she was as happy as she could be sleeping in a bed. I remember the day I left too. I was crying because I knew it was going to be the last time I saw her and I felt like I was abandoning her. I was happy to be able to see my husband but I missed her so much. I think I even cried a few days after showing up too and struggled to sleep not just because of the time change but because I didn’t have her snuggled up with me as I had every night for years. I knew she missed me and there was nothing I could do to make her feel better. But at least I had my mom taking good care of her. And now that I don’t have to worry about her and how she’s doing because I know she’s doing good and she’s in a better place with my dogs and cats I lost before. I also don’t feel guilty about the love I have for Grey because he’s been a huge comfort and I never forgot about her. My love for cats and the ones I’ve own (or been owned by) has never been short or not been enough for all of them. It’s hard to put into words so I hope I’m not being confusing. Anyway it has been hard for me to type this but I’m glad I did too as I wanted to say more about her and my memory of her. She was a beautiful sweet cat that wanted nothing more than to be the centre of your attention, I think it was a unique trait in her as I don’t think I ever had a cat be so happy from the moment I found her and fed her to this last year when I would come home from work and she would come running to greet me. I actually had to take about 20 minutes to let her lay in my lap and pet her until she was satisfied and I could do something else to unwind from my day.

And to tell you something else I’ve found rather strange. My cat Grey who loves to come into our room and lay on the bed with or without us, has twice this week laid in my lap while in bed. It’s something he’s not really done before as he usually either sleeps at the end of the bed or right next to me. Beyond him laying in my lap on the couch I usually have to pull him and lay him in my lap or on my stomach in order him to lay there but he’s come there of his own accord. It’s like he knew that lap belonged to someone else and he wasn’t going to take it until he knew it was okay. Its like laying on a lap in bed is a privileged position that only a few get to do. Anyway I shall leave this with a photos of my Indy River during happy times.

Found July 4th 1998-Passed March 4th 2015

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Remembering a Friend

So I found out some pretty horrible news this morning. I woke up and was checking my phone before I even got out of bed, just laying there flipping through the Facebook posts. Then I see one from one of my closest friends about a mutual friend and former classmate has passed away. As soon as I saw that I bolted up in bed. I kept thinking, is this real, is this some cruel joke? I go to her page and find her cousin has posted about her passing it being related to cancer. Still I think, this can’t be real! Cancer? I go to her mom and aunt’s page as well and see a few other friends saying the same thing. She had liver cancer, she only found out last week. I don’t get it. But then I never get it when someone gets cancer. Maybe I’m not meant to cause there really is no rhyme or reason to it as far as who it strikes and why. Anyway I wanted to get on here and share my thoughts about why this bothers me so much.

I met Becky my freshmen year of high school, I guess it was just the group we all hung out with. She was a year above me and was pretty nice. I had some crappy stuff happen at the end of my freshmen year with someone who was meant to be my friend and got all these people to dislike me over something silly in the end. She was one of those people who stood by me and I feel like we hardly knew each other at that point so it meant a lot. I remember rescuing a black kitten and her adopting it, I remember her calling me up once out of the blue like a year or two after high school, she needed a ride to work and I gladly gave it to her though we didn’t start talking up again.  I remember playing some dumb joke on another person who I wasn’t really friends with at the time, this was definitely back in high school, we went to the mall and I was getting annoyed with that person so we snuck out of the store and went around the mall without them and then found them later. These same two people after high school I hung out with. I remember hearing about Becky getting pregnant and then finding out something happened but she was pregnant again like a year after that. We met up with her and caught up on things and I was happy for her to be able to have someone she loved and be having a child. I hung out with her a bit after that. I went to her wedding reception and caught her bouquet. I later didn’t get to see her as much due to other friendships falling by the wayside and they were people I usually saw her with. And I remember being angry at the time because these two friendships while quite different were similar in their ending, I did have other people to talk to but she knew these people and I wanted to warn her about one of them. It was dumb really in the end, I just wanted to talk badly about that person I guess. I remember wanting to warn everyone about her and then realising that people get to make their own decisions about others and just cause they stay friends doesn’t mean they don’t like me. But I remember telling Becky about this girl and Becky then told her about what I said. I found out because then this girl decided to let me know and remind me how cruel she could be and why I ended the friendship. I guess I felt betrayed even though I was in the wrong for stooping to such a level. But I know it did make it hard for me to trust her. We would talk online occasionally after that but our friendship changed. It became more of a Facebook kind of friendship, an I used to go to school with that girl kind of friendship. Not the way I should have left things either. I did miss her as I’ve missed other friends over the years. I can at least say I know better than to leave things like that now. I’ve had other friends I’ve reconciled with after spats and others that I’ve just apologised to but not continued to talk due to either one or both of us just not choosing to continue the friendship. I think that’s probably a big thing in life, not letting the little things keep you apart from those that you were once close with. I have regrets with Becky and while I can’t make it up to her in person, I can at least try to do better with others. I feel so sorry for her family for losing her so young in life. I wonder how her daughter will do, I honestly can’t even remember how old she is now its been so long. All I know is, she’s not suffering anymore and she’s with her son now.

Since it’s an ongoing thing with me anyway, I know I can work on my anger and my negative feelings I get towards others. There’s no point in life in not letting things go over time because it can eat you up inside and I don’t want to keep thinking, if I only I had done this or stopped doing this then we would still be talking. There really is meaning behind the word forgive. So any time I harbor ill feelings towards another, I need to remember where those feelings will get me and that is no where.

So Becky I just wanted to say that I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend to you. And I’m sorry you are no longer with us but I am at least happy in the belief that you are in a better place and that you know how I feel.

I am back!

Its been more than a year (two maybe?) since I wrote a post. I am on here now and back for good!

Since I last wrote on here a lot of things happened. My boyfriend from when I was a student at Leeds Met (now Leeds Beckett), is now my husband. We married in October 2013. What we did not expect was the next year to be the hardest for both of us. His father passed away in December 2013 just weeks after we had our second wedding reception in England. Our plans for to apply for the Spouse Visa in early 2014 got Delayed until August. But I am now living in England hopefully for several years to come or at the very least, for the next 2 1/2 years. I’ve only been here a week but there is so much to do!

I need to get my banking changed around since it was done in my maiden name back when I was a student. I’m trying to work on my NI number, I have one but also having to change my name with that. I did an email forum but now I need to call them or visit them in person to verify who I am. Probably because we got married in the states so they don’t have proof of my marriage. I also need to work on my resume or my CV as they call it here and get that online and start looking at jobs (of course that can’t happen until my Ni No is fixed). And before the month is out I need to register with a GP so I can get back on medication that I had been taking over the counter back in the states due to being uninsured.

So while I’ve been away I was back in St. Louis, where I’m from and was working two different jobs mainly. I worked in a university bookstore for over a year as a cashier. I honestly hated the job, I liked most of the people I worked with and I got along with just about everyone but I was glad to leave. Retail is rather unfulfilling even if it’s in something like a bookstore. I also worked at a community college library, in fact it was right by the town of Ferguson (or was in Ferguson, that area is kind of a fine line by the highway) that has on the news worldwide due to coverage of the death of Michael Brown and the riots and protests that have happened since then. Its amazing what the media gets wrong about things and how much they keep the stereotypes going. While its sad and horrible what has happened in the area with the way the police have handle some things and the businesses that have been suffering if not destroyed. I just wish the media would focus on what is really important. But alas, you can’t change something like that overnight. Anyhow that’s really it right now. I haven’t gone out and done much due to a lack of funds and I’ve mostly just been trying to settle myself. But I shall be back soon with another entry!