Remembering a Friend

So I found out some pretty horrible news this morning. I woke up and was checking my phone before I even got out of bed, just laying there flipping through the Facebook posts. Then I see one from one of my closest friends about a mutual friend and former classmate has passed away. As soon as I saw that I bolted up in bed. I kept thinking, is this real, is this some cruel joke? I go to her page and find her cousin has posted about her passing it being related to cancer. Still I think, this can’t be real! Cancer? I go to her mom and aunt’s page as well and see a few other friends saying the same thing. She had liver cancer, she only found out last week. I don’t get it. But then I never get it when someone gets cancer. Maybe I’m not meant to cause there really is no rhyme or reason to it as far as who it strikes and why. Anyway I wanted to get on here and share my thoughts about why this bothers me so much.

I met Becky my freshmen year of high school, I guess it was just the group we all hung out with. She was a year above me and was pretty nice. I had some crappy stuff happen at the end of my freshmen year with someone who was meant to be my friend and got all these people to dislike me over something silly in the end. She was one of those people who stood by me and I feel like we hardly knew each other at that point so it meant a lot. I remember rescuing a black kitten and her adopting it, I remember her calling me up once out of the blue like a year or two after high school, she needed a ride to work and I gladly gave it to her though we didn’t start talking up again.  I remember playing some dumb joke on another person who I wasn’t really friends with at the time, this was definitely back in high school, we went to the mall and I was getting annoyed with that person so we snuck out of the store and went around the mall without them and then found them later. These same two people after high school I hung out with. I remember hearing about Becky getting pregnant and then finding out something happened but she was pregnant again like a year after that. We met up with her and caught up on things and I was happy for her to be able to have someone she loved and be having a child. I hung out with her a bit after that. I went to her wedding reception and caught her bouquet. I later didn’t get to see her as much due to other friendships falling by the wayside and they were people I usually saw her with. And I remember being angry at the time because these two friendships while quite different were similar in their ending, I did have other people to talk to but she knew these people and I wanted to warn her about one of them. It was dumb really in the end, I just wanted to talk badly about that person I guess. I remember wanting to warn everyone about her and then realising that people get to make their own decisions about others and just cause they stay friends doesn’t mean they don’t like me. But I remember telling Becky about this girl and Becky then told her about what I said. I found out because then this girl decided to let me know and remind me how cruel she could be and why I ended the friendship. I guess I felt betrayed even though I was in the wrong for stooping to such a level. But I know it did make it hard for me to trust her. We would talk online occasionally after that but our friendship changed. It became more of a Facebook kind of friendship, an I used to go to school with that girl kind of friendship. Not the way I should have left things either. I did miss her as I’ve missed other friends over the years. I can at least say I know better than to leave things like that now. I’ve had other friends I’ve reconciled with after spats and others that I’ve just apologised to but not continued to talk due to either one or both of us just not choosing to continue the friendship. I think that’s probably a big thing in life, not letting the little things keep you apart from those that you were once close with. I have regrets with Becky and while I can’t make it up to her in person, I can at least try to do better with others. I feel so sorry for her family for losing her so young in life. I wonder how her daughter will do, I honestly can’t even remember how old she is now its been so long. All I know is, she’s not suffering anymore and she’s with her son now.

Since it’s an ongoing thing with me anyway, I know I can work on my anger and my negative feelings I get towards others. There’s no point in life in not letting things go over time because it can eat you up inside and I don’t want to keep thinking, if I only I had done this or stopped doing this then we would still be talking. There really is meaning behind the word forgive. So any time I harbor ill feelings towards another, I need to remember where those feelings will get me and that is no where.

So Becky I just wanted to say that I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend to you. And I’m sorry you are no longer with us but I am at least happy in the belief that you are in a better place and that you know how I feel.

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Forgiving, Letting Go and Reminiscing

Right now I should be listening to the last transcript I worked on to see if I can iron out the bits I couldn’t hear very well and double-check that I got everything right. But I decided I needed to write a post.

I follow a couple of blogs on here and one of them posted about being well-healed. It makes me think a lot about the stuff that has happened to me in the last year and recently with Grey joining us. I know I post a lot about cats but I am an admitted full-blown crazy cat lady. Plus there hasn’t been much going on in my life since I’m deep in dissertation writing and still am not planning much for my wedding (though we may have chosen a venue but we’re checking on the price since I have to call to enquire, I’ve asked my mom for help).

The blog I read today and something I said to my fiance over the weekend has got me thinking. Just over a year ago I lost my cat Missy, she was over 20 years old and a cat I had since I was a little girl. It hurt real bad losing her. I remember the day she died my cousin came over to help me bury her and keep me company that day. And that following week was so hard. I did not want to go into work. Not only had I lost my cat but recently my boss had left and I was left to work with someone who I did not get along with for many reasons and was then forced to hide my true feelings that day. I had two co-workers from a different department and one of the other managers to lean on for the most part that day in order to deal with what had happened, they knew something was up and understood. Even though I left for grad school, the last few months there weren’t good. Recently I heard from someone there that though there may be new people nothing much has changed. I feel a lot of the problems had to do with the lack of supervision and ulterior motives. My boss was not perfect in fact she was going though some bad times the last 6 months or so of her working there but I understood she wasn’t 100% completely there mentally for the job. Unfortunately not everyone saw things that way and someone took advantage of that. I’m not sure if I’m ready to go into the details of what happen at least publicly but I have talked to a few people about it. The one individual who had issues with for the last year of my job (and sadly things did not get better but worse at the end) I’ve managed to forgive for the most part. I feel they do have some serious issues to work with that I hope one day they do but I don’t really have any ill feelings towards them anymore just regret that things couldn’t be different.

Anyway I’m getting side tracked from what I was originally saying. Missy and I connected in many ways I have never connected with any other animal. Though I do love all three (now four) of the cats I have encountered since then, they each have their own personality. Mogs was probably the closest I have gotten to having that same devotion I had for Missy. Since we’ve encountered Grey, there have been a few things we’ve noticed with him.

  • He’s not attacking Mogs anymore like he did when he was still with his former owner, though that doesn’t stop Mogs from giving out a few cheap shots when she feels its necessary. It’s going to take her time to tolerate him.
  • He does miss his former owner. He’s been a bit mopey today. I think because yesterday he went over there and she isn’t there. I also think that’s why he’s gotten so attached to me lately.
  • That said, that cat absolutely loves me. My fiance was saying to his mom that he think I’ve adopted a new cat, she said to him, I think he’s adopted her. He tends to follow me around if I call him. I think he’s even responding to being called Grey.
  • He is vocal. Anytime he comes into the bedroom he meows for a few minutes and I have to call to him a few times before he either jumps on the bed or comes over to me. If the bedroom door is closed he will meow and meow until we open it to let him in. Last night he came in late and Mike and I were in bed watching a movie. We weren’t going to let him in but he figured we were still up watching a film. He got on the bed and laid between us.
  • Saturday night I managed to talk bully Mike into letting him stay for the night. I felt so bad making him go outside two nights in a row (though he willingly walked out) that I was near tears each time. This time I wasn’t going to make him leave. Mike being far too tired to argue just let him stay. However at 5am Grey was up and fed and I let him out (I was making sure he didn’t use the toilet on the carpet just in case). Last night Mike was the one to put him outside and Grey didn’t go willingly. We both feel bad putting him out but we don’t know if he’s litter trained and Mogs and Minnie aren’t ready to accept him just yet.

Now that I’ve said most of that and spend the last several days with him I’ve come to realize a few things. He has so many similar personality traits to Mogs, Missy and Indy even a little bit of Minnie. I don’t think I’ve had a cat take so much to me since Missy and Indy. He loves to cuddle with me. He lets me pick up and even hold him like a baby on his back (Something I only encountered with Missy, Mogs will tolerate it for a few minutes but then she wants back down). Right now he’s got his claws in my legs cause he’s been kneading me as I let him have my spot (yeah I’m a sucker) and sleep next to me. I think in a way, Missy sent him to me, to take care of. Mike thinks when Missy died, she was doing it for me, so I wouldn’t worry about her when I went to England. I remember the first time I was meeting Mike in person in 2010. I started packing my bag the first few days before I even left (I was so excited and wanted to make sure I remembered everything). She sat on the very top of that bag at least twice. I remember once coming upstairs to seeing her sitting there and then mewing at me like she wanted to go too. I thought it was so cute and immediately took a photo of her to send to Mike. My mom said she moped around for me when I was gone. Then when Mike came to see me that following Spring, Missy kind of avoided being around us when we were at home and that’s quite unlike her. It was only the night before he left that she came and cuddled with me, after being quite angry that I wouldn’t let her go outside (and locking her and Indy out of the bedroom because he couldn’t sleep with them on the bed). She’d hadn’t been outside in years and she shot out the door that night when I was trying to call Indy who just lapped up the attention Mike gave her. But in the end, Mike felt she knew I had found someone and it was okay for her to go and stop taking care of as much as I was taking care of her.

I might be acting quite silly with the whole Missy sending me another cat but that’s the way I prefer to look at it. I remember she used to lay on top of these pillows in the other room on a bed for when my nephews spent the night. She spent a lot of her time in there that week she passed. She didn’t want to move much and that seem the most comfortable place for her. I’d walk upstairs and see her laying there from the corner of my eye. I’d usually go to her to give her a little attention before I went into my room. So after she passed I’d keep thinking I saw her there when I came up the stairs and then turn and look to see nothing. I remember a friend taking me out to eat at Fitz to get my mind off things and I did well until I got home and saw the empty pillow. I don’t get as upset as I used to and I don’t refuse to think about her anymore for the fear of crying, if I get upset I allow it. I’m healing still but I’m guessing you could say I am well-healed.

Anyway I should probably get going on my work. I got up with Mike today to get an early start on my work and I haven’t touched it yet.