Remembering a Friend

So I found out some pretty horrible news this morning. I woke up and was checking my phone before I even got out of bed, just laying there flipping through the Facebook posts. Then I see one from one of my closest friends about a mutual friend and former classmate has passed away. As soon as I saw that I bolted up in bed. I kept thinking, is this real, is this some cruel joke? I go to her page and find her cousin has posted about her passing it being related to cancer. Still I think, this can’t be real! Cancer? I go to her mom and aunt’s page as well and see a few other friends saying the same thing. She had liver cancer, she only found out last week. I don’t get it. But then I never get it when someone gets cancer. Maybe I’m not meant to cause there really is no rhyme or reason to it as far as who it strikes and why. Anyway I wanted to get on here and share my thoughts about why this bothers me so much.

I met Becky my freshmen year of high school, I guess it was just the group we all hung out with. She was a year above me and was pretty nice. I had some crappy stuff happen at the end of my freshmen year with someone who was meant to be my friend and got all these people to dislike me over something silly in the end. She was one of those people who stood by me and I feel like we hardly knew each other at that point so it meant a lot. I remember rescuing a black kitten and her adopting it, I remember her calling me up once out of the blue like a year or two after high school, she needed a ride to work and I gladly gave it to her though we didn’t start talking up again.  I remember playing some dumb joke on another person who I wasn’t really friends with at the time, this was definitely back in high school, we went to the mall and I was getting annoyed with that person so we snuck out of the store and went around the mall without them and then found them later. These same two people after high school I hung out with. I remember hearing about Becky getting pregnant and then finding out something happened but she was pregnant again like a year after that. We met up with her and caught up on things and I was happy for her to be able to have someone she loved and be having a child. I hung out with her a bit after that. I went to her wedding reception and caught her bouquet. I later didn’t get to see her as much due to other friendships falling by the wayside and they were people I usually saw her with. And I remember being angry at the time because these two friendships while quite different were similar in their ending, I did have other people to talk to but she knew these people and I wanted to warn her about one of them. It was dumb really in the end, I just wanted to talk badly about that person I guess. I remember wanting to warn everyone about her and then realising that people get to make their own decisions about others and just cause they stay friends doesn’t mean they don’t like me. But I remember telling Becky about this girl and Becky then told her about what I said. I found out because then this girl decided to let me know and remind me how cruel she could be and why I ended the friendship. I guess I felt betrayed even though I was in the wrong for stooping to such a level. But I know it did make it hard for me to trust her. We would talk online occasionally after that but our friendship changed. It became more of a Facebook kind of friendship, an I used to go to school with that girl kind of friendship. Not the way I should have left things either. I did miss her as I’ve missed other friends over the years. I can at least say I know better than to leave things like that now. I’ve had other friends I’ve reconciled with after spats and others that I’ve just apologised to but not continued to talk due to either one or both of us just not choosing to continue the friendship. I think that’s probably a big thing in life, not letting the little things keep you apart from those that you were once close with. I have regrets with Becky and while I can’t make it up to her in person, I can at least try to do better with others. I feel so sorry for her family for losing her so young in life. I wonder how her daughter will do, I honestly can’t even remember how old she is now its been so long. All I know is, she’s not suffering anymore and she’s with her son now.

Since it’s an ongoing thing with me anyway, I know I can work on my anger and my negative feelings I get towards others. There’s no point in life in not letting things go over time because it can eat you up inside and I don’t want to keep thinking, if I only I had done this or stopped doing this then we would still be talking. There really is meaning behind the word forgive. So any time I harbor ill feelings towards another, I need to remember where those feelings will get me and that is no where.

So Becky I just wanted to say that I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend to you. And I’m sorry you are no longer with us but I am at least happy in the belief that you are in a better place and that you know how I feel.

Fall

I think I’m writing a post inspired by a freshly pressed one. It’s about Fall or Autumn for those picky ones who have no idea what Fall is.

Fall is my favorite time of year. I don’t know how it started to be honest. I think when I was a kid it was the time for Halloween. Stores became stocked with Halloween costumes and decorations, I got to think about what I wanted to be and the hot hot St. Louis summer was starting to go away. As I got older I think it became more about the weather and how the leaves changed and fell. I used to love crunching the leaves beneath my feet and especially when I got to a particularly crunchy leaf. It was also a popular time for craft fairs and the smells of apple and cinnamon was usually what dominated those places. I have always loved cinnamon too, I think I have an odd obsession with it. I think it started with Red Hots and Atomic Fireballs.

Then there’s the pumpkins. I loved carving our pumpkins. When I was in elementary school we had a contest around Halloween for the Funniest, Cutest, or Scariest pumpkin. I remember one year entering it and making a little pumpkin look like a baby doll without carving it. One of my teachers really liked it, I remember feeling disappointed when I didn’t win the cutest pumpkin but I think I did get an honorable mention though it is possible everyone got that. I always wondered if I should have carved it but it was so small it would have been a bit hard to do. When I got older my mom introduced me to pumpkin pie at the grocery store. It was a day when they were giving out free samples in order to try to get you to buy it. I remember her saying, you might not like it. And I did find it an odd taste at the first initial try. I guess I didn’t know what to expect. But I learned to love it. I don’t think it really took me long, if I didn’t like it by the end that following Thanksgiving and Christmas, I loved it next year. We’ve only ever made pumpkin pie from real pumpkins once, it was different for sure. I think I prefer the canned pumpkin puree but I know that’s something I’m going to be missing again this year, at least until Christmas. And oh those Pumpkin Spice flavored coffees! I might have to see if the Starbucks they have here carry it, I haven’t actually gone into one while I’ve been here, it’s been Costa Coffee since it has nice alternatives, plus I love the huge mug they bring the mocha in when I dine in.

But there’s so much to Fall I love. I love the changing weather, where it gets crisp and chilly in the morning but not too much to really frost up your windows and the sun is still up at normal time. Then there’s the time change, I think that’s the one I like when you get the extra hour in the morning even if it means sacrificing the extra light in the evening. I have to say I really don’t understand why they keep changing the time change lately. It used to be in sync with the UK one and now they’re a week off. But if you got out early enough when you need a light jacket and can see your breath a bit and then you have the rising sun hit the trees. It’s beautiful with the oranges, reds, and yellows. My mom and I really loved how red some trees turned that when we got a new tree in the front yard we decided to get one that turned red.

In high school, I was in marching band, at least until my senior year. And we always played at the home football games. I hated watching football, I have never gotten into it and always spent the time talking with my friends rather than paying attention to the game. It’s sad that my junior year was the last straw for me and many others to be in it. It changed from something fun and enjoyable to a chore. I hated that because I was in for the enjoyment rather than the perfection of my marching and my music playing I was treated quite badly. I stuck it out for as long as I did because I thought I could be the section leader since most seniors get that role or at least help. But when I was still getting pulled aside to work on my marching as a junior with freshmen, I decided that was it for me. I didn’t care if I joined again next year. I was already doing quite a bit in the music section with being in choir as well. But before all that turned sour. It was fun. Our school colors matched up with Halloween (Orange and Black) and we went from our summer uniforms to our winter ones and I liked how professional we looked. I had made friends with different people on the band and we were kind of our own group. I think my favorite march we did that year was at the best time of year when it was a little bit cold (though with no jacket and a not so thick uniform it was freezing) and the parade ended at one of the school that was holding a craft fair. I got to have one of my favorite types of food at the end and look at the little crafts made and then walk to one of my friend’s houses that lived nearby. Sometimes we’d go to the book fair or a local resell shop for books that was also haunted (it was in the local paper for it). Getting to look at old books and visit the cats that lived there was the best. After my freshmen year I don’t think I really went there but maybe once but I’ll look back on those days as a great memory.

Here in England Fall is a bit different, instead of having the Indian Summer at the beginning of semester, we’ve gotten a mixture of warm and cold weather. It’s been rainy one week and warm and sunny the next. I do believe this week is the turn to be rainy. Then there’s the apple and pumpkin galore lacking. I won’t be going to an apple orchard/pumpkin farm. Nor enjoying watching even adults get excited for Halloween. Beyond the kids it’s not really celebrated as much as it is in America. Though it changed for me too back home when I got too old to trick or treat. I was either in middle school or high school when I went with two friends and the weird looks we got from some of the people when they open the door was enough for me to think I shouldn’t do it anymore. I can understand from the other side. You don’t know if we’re up to no good and wondering how old we are, me and my friends did tend to look a few years older even by the time we were 14. So I decided I would still dress up but I would just hand out candy and watch scary movies. But I found that boring, and then there’s the fact I don’t like a lot of “scary” movies. I think they put horror or scary on the title and just use it as an excuse to make it bloody and disgusting. I don’t like those types of films. But then I got old enough to go to Halloween parties or have some of my own. Though I learned the hard way that parties at mine weren’t that fun with a mom who could hear what you said and gave you grief over it (Sorry Mom! But you know it’s true!) I didn’t really like going to other parties either, I think I loved the planning part where you got to be creative and then that was it. If it was one where there was a lot of people I didn’t know, I just kind of moved around and stuck with the people I knew. I’m not a fan of crowds and I’m not a fan of being noticed either. The few I have enjoyed over the years has been this one at the Koken Art Factory. It’s started a few years ago and a classmate from college had some work in it. You could dress in costume and look at the Halloween themed art. The next year I entered it but wasn’t able to really enjoy the party due to my flight from New York being late back to St. Louis. But that place throws some really cool art shows/parties throughout the year. I don’t think I’ll enter into a Halloween show again because really I don’t see a reason to sell Halloween art, just to make it and the amount of money I put into just framing the two pieces of work I had been too much to do again. Though I would love to do the other shows. They had an Alice in Wonderland themed one I think about two years ago. I loved some of the work and found it quite enjoyable, the hardest part was getting someone to go with me.

Anyway back to Fall. Though I will find parts here of Fall that I will enjoy like Bonfire Night and maybe going to York again to watch the light show they have in October, I can’t wait to get to St. Louis again to experience Fall there, it does help by that point I’ll be getting married and probably spending my last Fall/Winter there for a few years. That’s the main reason why I am choosing to have my wedding in the Fall and having a Fall theme. I loved that time of year in St. Louis above any else. Now to just decided on how and where I’m getting my decorations for the wedding.

Update On The Dog

So a few days ago I wrote a rant about how angry I was at a “friend” for his behavior towards his ex and towards me because he wanted to get rid of her dog but not give it back to her.

After having a long discussion with “Jenny” and thinking of all the different options to try to contact him since I was an expendable friend, she realized she was going to have to call the police which she really didn’t want to do. Despite how Chad was treating her, she still wished him the best and wanted to do things the nice way. After speaking to the police who told that they could get the dog but she would have to press charges (which she didn’t want to do), she decided to email him in hopes that he would read it. He did and though claim he wouldn’t respond to her threat of legal action (responding to the email is responding dummy) he (a man in his 30s, married with a kid) and his parents (more likely the reasonable ones) decided they were going to (graciously *eye roll*) give her the dog. As long as she met a few of his conditions. Conditions that for the most part a given, though only one I saw as something she couldn’t completely control. He didn’t want her to contact him or anyone else associated with her. Me and her both knew I was included in this especially since he has ignored my first email after he deleted me asking what it was I did wrong.

I have considered telling him what a child he is and if were the better man, he wouldn’t be acting the way he is, but I decided against it because I am better than that. And I also know I would get no satisfaction from sending him the email since he would most likely not respond. I’m just content to know that Mr. Domino is home with his real family, a family that loves him and has time for him. Jenny has done a lot of thinking as well. And something she put out to the world of Facebook really touched me. I’ll repost what it was she said.

 

“I have learned a lot in the past weeks. I realized the idea of someone disliking or hating me is my kryptonite. It makes me panicy and sick to my stomach and I have to know why and what I can do to fix it and that I will go to no length to fix it even at a major cost to myself (probably not a good thing). I learned that for some, a decade of friendship is worth less than 1000 bucks. I have also learned that to some people they have friends that are easily expendable. I’ve learned that even though someone seems cool and like a friend they would throw you under a bus just to get ahead. And that some friends feel you are just not good enough for those important moments in their life. But on the other hand I’ve also learned that if I occasionally grow a pair I’ll get what I want/deserve. And best of all I learned that despite how some people view friendship, there are still the few out there that are such true and honest friends that they will take a punch to the gut and a kick to the face for you and still come up smiling.”

 

I would gladly take more than that for her. She’s been one of the kindest people I’ve ever met and has a true heart. She doesn’t take sides or judge people for something they can’t help. And I’m thankful for her friendship. It is nice to know when others get you down, there is someone like her who will be there to make you feel better and be the voice of reason.

 

Domino with one of the kids. A happy family!

 

But at least in this case there is a happy ending to the story. Yay for Domino!

So Stinking Mad!!!!

I need to rant for a little bit. I was in the middle of my work and decided to take a break and what happened has made me so angry I need to vent.

Let’s start with this morning when I got on Facebook to catch up with what happened after I went to bed. Since I’m 6 hours ahead of most of my friends and family I go to bed before them. And since today is a holiday I’m sure a lot of them were up late. As I was going through the different posts I noticed one from a friend who was also an old co-worker. He was putting a post out saying he was looking for a new home for his dog D. I read a few comments after that and thought, wait I thought that was Jenny’s dog (I’ve changed her name so I don’t bring too much attention to her in case anyone on FB reads this). So I sent her an email asking if she knew about the dog and if it was the same one I remember. Back when I was still hanging out with her, well before I came to England, she and the other guy, let’s call him Chad, had just broken up after being together for close to a decade. They were too poor to move out and also had a mutual friend living with them. Anyway there was two dogs, one was hers and the other was the mutual friend’s. I don’t quite know the circumstances to their break up besides what she had told me, but after I lost contact with her because we both became rather busy, things got worse. I’m guessing she couldn’t afford to keep the dog so she let him have D. Then she met someone else who she is still with and now has a kid with. He met someone else as well and much to my surprise, got married and had a kid as well (Chad always told me he never wanted to get married or have kids, I think he was really badly burned from an ex of his before Jenny’s). So as surprised as I was by this I was also happy for him. He seemed to be doing what he wanted in life and bettering himself. Jenny was as well in finding a happy relationship and realizing she could have another kid. He had some problems way back that made her think she couldn’t have anymore. She already has some kids from when she was younger.

I knew things were kind of shaky with them at the end. Whenever I would see Chad when I was visiting Jenny, he was always nice to me and acted civil. But Jenny told me, he only ever did that when others were around. I can’t really remember what she said he was like but it kind of surprised me. And since I don’t know both sides of the story and it was none of my business, I stayed out and remained friendly with them both. However today when I saw the post I thought Jenny should know. They don’t speak anymore and according to Jenny he has her blocked on FB. Recently they had a mutual friend that passed away and Jenny was quite upset over it because she has lost contact with him and many others because of what happened with Chad in the end. She had been planning on contacting the friend who had passed away only to find out he had died. I talked to her about it since I saw similar posts by both of them. So figuring Jenny didn’t know and deserved to because I never saw a dog so happy as he was when Jenny was babying him and talking to him (he quite a big dog too and yet is just such a softie). I found out from Jenny that she does want him and suggested she try to contact him but because of the block she can’t. So I told her I would make the suggestion for her. I also asked her what had happened between them because blocking her since pretty serious. Before I got an answer I left the comment on his page about contacting Jenny about the dog because I was pretty sure she would love him back.

And then I got a response from her. She doesn’t even know what happened between them. All she knows is that he blamed her (I’m not sure what, maybe the end of their relationship even though he dumped her and she was completely blindsided by it) and thinks she’s the devil. It was really hard to hear that and not be able to give her any kind of physical comfort. I remember when I found out they had broken up, I went over to hers immediately with food and crap and we just talked for hours in her living room.

The funny thing is when I was friends with Chad first before I was ever friends with Jenny. In fact I used to have a crush on Chad (Why I don’t know anymore cause he’s not as nice as he appears) and was jealous cause he had started seriously dating her. But then I met her and thought she was really cool and she was someone I could hang out with and talk to. To me she became more my friend than he ever was. But I still thought he was a nice decent guy and he was also a co-worker I got along with.

So the next thing that happened kind of surprised me and greatly angered me. I checked to see if he had responded at all and found that I couldn’t see. Because I was no longer friends with him. In a span of 2 hours of asking him a question to checking again on Facebook, he had deleted me. No response, no reason, just deleted me.

In a way I’m kind of hurt, I didn’t realize me even mentioning her name could cause such a reaction. I know I hadn’t seen him in ages and only talked to him sometimes on Facebook but I didn’t realize I was so expendable.

And then at the same time, I’m thinking, WHAT A FUCKING DICK!!!!

I decided to email him and ask him nicely what it was I did wrong but to be perfectly honest. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I just made the mistake of thinking him a decent person. His true colors have been shown and his “nice guy” thing has been found wanting. It’s a shame I had to find out the hard way that he was never my friend, or at least stopped being my friend a very long time ago. Poor D. I hope he gets a better home than that dipshit.

Yeah I’m still mad, he completely threw me off my concentration for my literature review. Dick. (Okay I’m done with the name calling, just had to add that one in for good measure) *insert angry steaming smily face*

Happy Independence Day! :p

English diseases love an American body!

So I’m on cold number three since I’ve been here. I’m actually quite over it which is great considering the last one lasted far longer than it should have. But now I got some kind of stomach bug. Great for the weight loss because I don’t want to eat anything and if I do it isn’t much! I’ve never gotten colds so much before. I actually went a few years without getting a cold. And now average about one a year and it’s usually in the Spring (rather than winter). I probably should have gotten some kind of flu shot in retrospect but I’m not too keen on them. I’d rather allow my body to become immune to what ever has taken over. I’m hoping I don’t get anymore after this cause I’m sure tired of buying cold meds.

Beyond my body issues though a lot has gone on in the last week. I’ve had reviews and a presentation for the midterm time of the year. I only got graded in one though. I’m trying to find a library to audit still and got a semi response from one. If I don’t hear anything by the middle of next week I need to contact them again. My presentation went better than I expected. I actually got a very good grade, I think the best I can get. I might need to revise my objectives though for my dissertation. I’ve been told they’re quite ambitious. Which I can agree with. But I’m happy with the way it went. I figure this weekend I can relax a bit and then next week I can start doing more for my papers and then the start of my break can be the writing/reading part.

In other news, I found a friend from home is pregnant. She isn’t just any friend either. Back when I was 13 and awkward in middle school. I used to looooooooove the Backstreet Boys. I had their posters covering most of my room and I would pretty much wear a BSB shirt everyday. I used to get made fun of so much that in the next year I rarely wore them but one day I was walking to my locker. Unfortunately there was a bunch of classes finishing and they were all going the opposite direction of me so I was along the side of lockers mine was in trying to get by. I of course was wearing a BSB shirt. I was nearly at my locker when I nearly ran into this girl who was a bit taller than me. So the first thing I see is her shirt. It’s a Backstreet Boys shirt! She notices the same thing too and we both point at each others shirts and are like cool! I declare I have that shirt as well (though I barely got to wear it cause the hem was coming out after wearing it twice and my mom hadn’t gotten around to fixing it yet). We both were pretty happy about that but I think we both had to be on our ways. But that made my day. It wasn’t really until a few months later I saw her again (we were on teams in middle school so you didn’t see everyone all the time) and we hung out with a mutual friend. We ended up becoming best friends and nearly inseparable. I had a lot of friends I found to be my best friends while growing up but they never lasted as long as my friendship with Allison. We either grew apart, ended up hanging out with others or just realized we didn’t like each other that much. Right now I wouldn’t really say Allison and me are as close as we used to be, we got into a fight sometime after high school over something dumb and didn’t speak for almost 2 years. I eventually decided to get back into contact with her because I wondered what she was up to and I did miss her a bit. In that two years I think we grew in different ways. We had a lot in common still and had our history of friendship but it didn’t feel like it used to. We didn’t talk everyday like we used to, we would go weeks or even months without talking because we were caught up in our lives. But I will say this, she still a friend and possibly one of the longest friendships I’ve had. So to discover last week that she was pregnant was just shocking. I had mixed feelings because I was happy for her but I’m also worried for her because as much as I think she’ll be a good mom, it will be hard and I don’t know how involved the father will be. I’m also bothered that I can’t actually be there for her either. I’m really hoping I might get to come home to see her before she’s had the baby or close to after. I’m definitely planning on buying gifts for the little guy or gal.

And I hope no matter what she’ll always be happy. She deserves it and that kid will have a great mom. Anyway that’s all that’s really been on my mind. I’m going to a concert tomorrow and I’m hoping my stomach will be back to normal so I can drink. Oh yeah I’ve lost like 5 pounds since I’ve started this myfitnesspal. Though it won’t say on there cause I didn’t weigh myself until after I started the site. Anyway, back to my relaxing!